I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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