He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
