i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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