I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
