so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
