God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You can't special order awesome
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
