We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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