Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
