I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
