Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
