I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
How external is "for external use only"?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
