A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
