My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
