Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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