I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
