On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
