At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
