just come out here and I will go home with you...
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
