Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
