It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
