Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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