We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
