clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
