if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
