Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
