The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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