he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
