My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
