finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
