Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
