Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Well I just put wine in my tea
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
