WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
