if i died would you start the facebook group?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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