the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I enjoy the company of your penis
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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