There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
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