Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
