he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
