Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
