Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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