having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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