Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Is Oprah even human
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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