like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize