Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
