A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
