I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
