I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
well, you know. whores of a feather.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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