the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize