Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I need a beard to bite.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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