She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
