My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
