Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
