After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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