I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
