he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
