so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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