I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Randomize
