In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
