Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I faked an abortion last night.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he was CRYING into my vagina
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
