I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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